Monday, March 23, 2009

March Writing Assignment (Final Draft)

As I passed through the front hall, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I could hardly recognize the beautiful woman staring back at me from the glass; this woman was an innocent, charming guest, rather than a hardened spy. I admired my dress, and my sophisticated hairstyle, smugly knowing that the notorious Jack Rabitt would never realize that his arch enemy was about to finish his successful robbing career in a single night.

I had been invited to a party organized by an undercover agent, who was pretending to be a rich banker who was celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of his business with several of his most notable clients and associates. He had slowly built up Jack's trust over the past few years, and today was the day we had all been waiting for. The house that he had rented was nicely furnished, and it was built upon a stretch of beautiful countryside, with a long gravel driveway, forests to the East and West, and rolling pastures to the South. Driving up towards the house, I had had my doubts about the location, because it provided such an easy escape for the notorious criminal.

I turned away from the mirror, and headed for the West lounge, where all of the other guests were chatting happily, drinks in hand. Skirting a group of loud gentlemen, I scanned the room for his ugly face, with its permanent leer and his multiple gold teeth. He was nowhere to be found, no matter how hard I searched. I wondered if he was late, or if he had found out our clever scheme. I sat down on a convenient couch, and struck up a conversation with a man who sat next to me, looking bored.

"Sally Doolittle," I said cheerfully: my alibi was perfect. I was supposed to be a dental hygienist, which meant that when I finally noticed Jack, I could mention his gold teeth.

"Mark Fisher," he replied, smiling briefly. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance." We exchanged a few other trivial remarks, but soon I got up and walked out onto the terrace. I wondered if Mark was in on the plan, or whether he actually believed that it was a cocktail party. I stood by the railing, and looked down the driveway, feeling disappointed. Had Jack been there, I would have seen him by now. I could only cling to the hope that soon I would see another car approaching. Deep down, I realized that my mission was failed, so I turned to go back to my car. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Whipping around, I saw only a flash of gold teeth.

"Excuse me, but I could swear that I recognize you from somewhere," he drawled. I quickly pressed the alarm button concealed beneath my white gloves. It would alert my special team that I had found Jack, and that they should make their move within minutes to ensure a speedy arrest. I clenched my teeth angrily, realizing that I had left my gun lying on the passenger seat in my Audi, so I was now entirely dependent on the officer who would direct the operation. I hated feeling like I was powerless to do anything.

"Um," I stuttered, mind racing for a comeback. "You must be Jack," I stalled, "we met years ago, at a party. Sally Doolittle; how very nice to see you!" I could see the confusion in his eyes, as he tried to remember the nonexistent event.

"Of course," he said politely, "would you care for a drink?" Where is my team of policemen? I thought. "Of course," I said, and he took my arm. We sat down at the spacious wooden bar, and after ordering our drinks, he talked about his job as a banker. You fat liar I thought, You're a banker's worst nightmare! I wondered if he had taken precaution and prepared for the situation that would soon befall him. Suddenly, I heard a loud crash. The team had arrived, taking down the door with them. Their guns were pointed in every direction, unsure of where Jack was. "HOLD YOUR HANDS UP ABOVE YOUR HEADS, THIS IS THE POLICE! Jack froze, hands in midair. "Gotta go, sweetheart," he muttered through his teeth. I lunged for his arm, hoping to hinder his escape.

"Nice seeing you again," he grinned, sidestepping me easily. Before the police team could react, he reached inside a pocket, and threw something that exploded with a loud crack, letting off an opaque mist. I cursed loudly, knowing I was powerless to stop the wily criminal from making another escape. The policemen tried in vain to get rid of the mist, but by the time it cleared, Jack was gone. I stormed up to the policeman in chief.

"You buffoon! You could have come undercover, and we would have caught the slippery crook!"

He looked embarrassed; "We'll catch him next time?" he tried.

"Search the building and the surrounding area on the double," I shouted as I turned to the rest of the team. I sighed heavily, as the panicked guests rushed around the room, asking questions and shouting among themselves. "Since you messed up my scheme, you can handle them," I said coolly to the officer.

I turned on my heel, and stamped out the front door, slamming it behind me. As I opened the door of my car, I noticed a hastily scrawled note on the driver's seat. "Nice disguise, Rachel. You'll never catch me!I tore it up, and stepped on the gas pedal, my tires throwing up gravel behind me. Next time, I wouldn't forget my gun.

1 comment:

Ms. Wiesner said...

I like what you're going for in the beginning, but it moves too fast. I got lost in it.
Break it into paragraphs and add more details.

You need to start a new paragraph each time you change speakers in dialogue.

I want to know more about why she is after this guy.

"I cursed loudly, realizing that I had left my gun lying on the passenger seat in my Audi. " I don't find this very plausible. Mention it earlier if you're going to include this.

This needs more info to make it more plausible.